Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
