for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
