Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
