I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
