All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
