everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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