I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
