Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
