i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
