When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
