I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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