it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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