From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
