Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
