how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
