i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
