dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
