Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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