That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We are all done wearing pants today
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