1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
