I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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