Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
