Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
thus making me awesome and them whores
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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