tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
