The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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