That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
