"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
