oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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