I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
