Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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