hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize