his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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