lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
