oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
