I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
