Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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