I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
