Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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