I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
