Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize