you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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