The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
he had hair everywhere except his balls
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
