Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
