if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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