What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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