she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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