I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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