Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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