I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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