I could make wine with my vomit
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
