Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
