Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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