Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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