I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
