I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
