I'm going to jail i love you
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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