My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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