I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
