You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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