At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
